Archive for September, 2010

Collaboration

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

I’ve always been a lone wolf, a loose cannon, a candle in the wind. It’s just the way it seems to me I live my life. However, sometimes I get the urge to team up with someone and work on something together. Luckily, the lady friend I’m currently seeing is as good a partner as any.

Sheila showers four times a day to “wash away the sins”. HAHA. She was in there one night while I was cooking her a late night snack of broth on toast (she’s Scottish, loves it) and I heard the most beautiful raspy voice coming from the bathroom. On closer inspection I found it to be Sheila, singing in a manner that brought both Bonnie Tyler and a young Joe Cocker to mind. Not a bad mix, I thought, I wonder if I could write for her.

After she’d dried off and had her post-shower nap I approached her with some of my lyrics, namely Love on an Aeroplane and Hard Pill to Swallow. Both classic Barker tracks, and I was curious to see if we could add a bit of post-Kim-Cairnes rasp to them. My Frankenstein’s monster going to consist of Heart crossed and Bette Davis’ Eyes, basically. Maybe we could add some Wings and some Open ARMS by Journey???

Now I’ve read various online casino guides so I know a gamble when I see one, but working with Sheila is not one of them. She drinks a lot, she smokes, she’s self-destructive, and often disappears for days on end – perfect for the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle I’d like to lead!

So this week we’ll be laying down some tracks in my studio and seeing what happens. I have a very good feeling about this and think we could be the next Kurt Cobain and Yoko Ono!

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If you tolerate this…

Monday, September 20th, 2010

As the Manic Street Preachers once sang: “If you tolerate things, then your children will be next.” This is what I said to Sheila when she finally admitted her problem to me; she didn’t know what the best Manics lyric was.

Thank God she asked, for a second I thought she was going to confess to having a drinking problem! Not that I wouldn’t be sympathetic – my dad can’t drink (cup phobia) – it’s just that I’ve been having such a laugh with her and I don’t really want it to stop. It’s a Catch 22 like in that film – she’s doing damage to herself but I’m having fun. What do I do?

Over the weekend we went to a barbecue and Sheila – such a laugh – only went and fell into the barbecue! Haha madhead! That day she reminded me of Janis Joplin crossed with some bacon. Both in looks and smell. I’m not being funny, but she genuinely makes me happy when I’m around her, like a good game of roulette and I think she feels the same way as she’s always laughing to herself!

I think my friends like Sheila, as they’re always giving her drinks and asking her to do funny things like play knock-a-door-run with a tree. They never really liked my ex and she was “a bit boring” and always going on at me to take her out and stop listening to my headphones at the dinner table. So selfish…

Sheila stayed over on Saturday night, and we ended up listening to a classic Eno B-side from 1976, if you know what I mean? Haha. When I woke up I went downstairs to look for her and she’d vomited all over my hoard of Record Collector issues from the 1980s. Oh well, I suppose that’s what I bought the protective plastic covers for!

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Dating game

Monday, September 13th, 2010

On Saturday I had my first date in quite a while. She was a lovely woman who I’d met at a record store. She was buying old Fall vinyl in Sifters, and I was immediately drawn to her by the smell of whisky on her breath. It later transpired that she’d been at a party the night before and hadn’t been home yet. She’s 48!

Anyway, we finally got round to meeting for a drink and – bloody hell – she can’t half put them away! By 2am I was almost under the table, whereas she was still perfectly sober and arguing with some students about ‘vegetarian shoes’. Such stamina!

We ended up going back at mine and I played some Classic Clapton. We had what she called a ‘Cheeky Hot Chocolate’, which is a hot chocolate that only contains rum and ice. It was a good job, as the kids had finished off the chocolate powder the week before!
I’m a gentleman, so we didn’t end up doing Cutting The Crap on the first night. I just left her to sleep on the floor, and slowly crept into bed.

She slept for 20 hours! She must have been really tired. Luckily, she doesn’t have a job as she’s been ill recently, so we had a lovely midnight chat last night about her life. Turns out she does have kids, just like me, but she has been denied access rights by her doctor. She’s not even sure if she’s the real mother. Shame, that, I know how hard it is to be separated from your children. She’s also a bit of a gambler, and we had a laugh putting some free bets online. Good stuff.

After she finally left, I headed back up to bed. The last two nights had certainly given me enough food for thought. What Would Eric Do? Let’s ask him…

I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I’m going to win.

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Growing pains

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

This weekend was my turn to look after the kids again. Eric 7 and Sally are doing well, but it’s a bit of a shame that they had to visit during my latest barren spell when it comes to my songwriting. I have a half-written opus called ‘I Don’t Like Lifts’ just waiting to be finished but I just can’t find the words! And since I had the kids this weekend, I didn’t have the time to find the words!

Sally has got a new boyfriend called Fang. I don’t like him. He has a skull and crossbones earring stud that just makes him look like a man Grotbags. And instead of saying hello to me he just said ‘Alright?’ as if I had inconvenienced him! Anyway, I have brought Sally up well and always talked about sex in front of her so I know she won’t do anything daft. If she does, I’ll kill her! HAHAHA

Eric 7 is doing OK, and is finally coming round to the idea of liking football. It’s taken long enough! I remember when he was two years old and I took him into the woods with a football and wouldn’t leave until he’d done five kick ups. Great times; he was crying silent tears of joy by the end of it, and was so shocked he did it he didn’t speak for a week.

I took the kids to my friend Dazza’s record shop this weekend. Eric had never seen vinyl before and said “What is this dad? Is it a big round plate made out of plastic with grooves on?” HAHA the things they say!

I took some classic Cream to the counter and only interrupted Dazza’ experimenting with his, ahem, Polycom SoundStation 2. Who had one of them first? Yup, it was me, the Barkman. Bark Simpson!

Typical!

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Twits

Monday, September 6th, 2010

It seems every Tom, Dick and his dog have been going on about Twitter. Or, as I call it, Twit-ter (it’s for twits). I’m an open-minded man – I live in Chorlton and I give absolutely no abuse to the spineless cowards who walk past my house every day carrying humus salads and wearing corduroy hats. I leave them be. But I decided with Twitter that I should get my hands dirty and see what all the fuss was about.

So I signed up, and posted some of my song lyrics (samples from ‘Prick-fork Ready Meal Politics’, now you ask) but got no responses. Then I saw that everyone on my following list had added celebrities such as Stephen Fry, Simon Pegg and Graham Linehan – who played Father Ted – among others.

Within minutes I was getting updates from the great and the good in the celebrity world: @JonathanRoss Has just changed the channel on his huge telly! @SimonPegg Thinks air is a good thing to breathe! @GrahamLinehan … Well, he never says anything really. Just smugs about with his ‘retweets’ (which is when use somebody else’s thoughts are your own. Melting pot.)

I was on Twitter for an hour before I had to deactivate my account and go for a drink and a game of darts with a friend. I didn’t tell anybody about it except the people directly involved, and I didn’t risk arthritis arranging it. Anything that happened while we were at the pub would be either a pleasant surprise or an unwelcome diversion to be dealt with at the time, without anybody else’s knowledge. Then I went home for a game of casino and never ever felt the need to tell anyone about it. Ever.

Facebook’s different though. That’s got pictures of my ex’s on holiday!

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