This weekend was my turn to look after the kids again. Eric 7 and Sally are doing well, but it’s a bit of a shame that they had to visit during my latest barren spell when it comes to my songwriting. I have a half-written opus called ‘I Don’t Like Lifts’ just waiting to be finished but I just can’t find the words! And since I had the kids this weekend, I didn’t have the time to find the words!

Sally has got a new boyfriend called Fang. I don’t like him. He has a skull and crossbones earring stud that just makes him look like a man Grotbags. And instead of saying hello to me he just said ‘Alright?’ as if I had inconvenienced him! Anyway, I have brought Sally up well and always talked about sex in front of her so I know she won’t do anything daft. If she does, I’ll kill her! HAHAHA

Eric 7 is doing OK, and is finally coming round to the idea of liking football. It’s taken long enough! I remember when he was two years old and I took him into the woods with a football and wouldn’t leave until he’d done five kick ups. Great times; he was crying silent tears of joy by the end of it, and was so shocked he did it he didn’t speak for a week.

I took the kids to my friend Dazza’s record shop this weekend. Eric had never seen vinyl before and said “What is this dad? Is it a big round plate made out of plastic with grooves on?” HAHA the things they say!

I took some classic Cream to the counter and only interrupted Dazza’ experimenting with his, ahem, Polycom SoundStation 2. Who had one of them first? Yup, it was me, the Barkman. Bark Simpson!

Typical!

It seems every Tom, Dick and his dog have been going on about Twitter. Or, as I call it, Twit-ter (it’s for twits). I’m an open-minded man – I live in Chorlton and I give absolutely no abuse to the spineless cowards who walk past my house every day carrying humus salads and wearing corduroy hats. I leave them be. But I decided with Twitter that I should get my hands dirty and see what all the fuss was about.

So I signed up, and posted some of my song lyrics (samples from ‘Prick-fork Ready Meal Politics’, now you ask) but got no responses. Then I saw that everyone on my following list had added celebrities such as Stephen Fry, Simon Pegg and Graham Linehan – who played Father Ted – among others.

Within minutes I was getting updates from the great and the good in the celebrity world: @JonathanRoss Has just changed the channel on his huge telly! @SimonPegg Thinks air is a good thing to breathe! @GrahamLinehan … Well, he never says anything really. Just smugs about with his ‘retweets’ (which is when use somebody else’s thoughts are your own. Melting pot.)

I was on Twitter for an hour before I had to deactivate my account and go for a drink and a game of darts with a friend. I didn’t tell anybody about it except the people directly involved, and I didn’t risk arthritis arranging it. Anything that happened while we were at the pub would be either a pleasant surprise or an unwelcome diversion to be dealt with at the time, without anybody else’s knowledge. Then I went home for a game of casino and never ever felt the need to tell anyone about it. Ever.

Facebook’s different though. That’s got pictures of my ex’s on holiday!

Music isn’t just about sound, man. It’s about the whole experience? How does it make you feel? What does it make you see? And, most importantly, how does it sound?

I used to paint a lot when I was younger. Really pumping still life was my bag, like Vinny Van Gogh crossed with Paul Van Dyk. I lost a lot of my stuff after the divorce (I used Corn Flakes for a lot of my pieces. My ex poured milk on them in a fit of rage). Still, I’ve found a few that I hope you enjoy.

Bob Dylan Fish
This answers the age-old question of whether Bob Dylan would still be as good if he was a fish.

jus’ thinkin’

This is some concept art I put together for my first album (pending release, pending writing, pending album deal. Nearly there!). As you can see I’ve tried to establish the idea of the world and a person in it. My music primarily deals with these two issues: people and the world.

I try to hint at this in my song ‘People and the World’…

People and the World (Words by M Barker, Music by dunno)
People and the World
People and the World
People and the World
Yeeeeaaaah.
x15

I figured that if I covered people and the world in my lyrics, I’d essentially be writing a song about everything, and it would automatically be better than even American Pies by Don McLean. But then I started thinking spacially, and I had to write a follow-up, but ‘Aliens and Animals and Space etc’ just wasn’t as catchy, man.

Looking back at it though, it’s a little bit cryptic. I should’ve taken a leaf out of Eiffel 65′s book and just sung about a Picasso period (I loved their ‘Massacre in Korea’ B-Side).

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about people who are worse off than me. Namely, everyone who hasn’t been touched by the power of music, and everyone who has been touched by the power of the music of Bono.

It’s not that I don’t respect Bono as a man – I do. I’d have just done his music differently. For example, his song ‘One’ I’d have done like this:

Juan (Words by M Barker)
Is he getting better?
And is he still from Spain?
You’ll have to make it easier, mainly,
The rain falls on the plain.

Chorus:
Juan Lopez
Juan Lopez
And it’s Juan’s dream in the night.
He said:
“Ay senorita, est tu mama tambien.
Ay senorita, est tu mama tabien.”
But I can’t keep holding Juan.

Just a little snippet from an earlier 90s idea I wrote on the back of a bus ticket…

That’s not all I’d change about Bono’s lyrics though. In the song ‘Elevation’ I’d change the chorus from ‘Ooooh’ to ‘Upppppp’ because that’s consistent, and it’s one thing that he’s lacked over the years.

I took a week away from the hustle and bustle of the online internet in order to get back to nature. My mate bought me a gallon of organic cider and I ate some raw meat, then sat down and attempted to really nail what I was feeling. Rather than a classic, I just felt ill and vomited all over the kitchen sink. Hardly ideal, but I think I read somewhere that this is a how Brian Eno got started so can’t complain too much. Mopped up both in the kitchen and playing slots online too!

This weekend I’ve got the kids for the first time in a while. Struggling for things to do. Might teach Eric 7 how to play the guitar. Sally has a good singing voice, so perhaps we could be the first father-daughter-son band since… well, ever!

I’m sure their mother will find fault in this plan somewhere.

You know when you feel that flash of inspiration and you know you just have to drop everything and follow it? You do? Well, explain that to my wife, who apparently “thought the band dream died way before our marriage did”.

Well, it hasn’t, and I know that if the kids don’t understand it this weekend they’ll understand it when their dad’s rocking out again. Sally especially – she’s at that age now where she appreciates a good rocker.

As soon as I finished my last blog post I went to my dad’s flat and ransacked it for old notebooks I left there after the split (I lived there for a while when we broke up, put on a lot of weight!). I found a couple of books full of ideas that are, even if I do say so myself, way ahead of their time. For example, you ever heard of a band where everyone is wearing blue sunglasses? Neither had 1988…

I got home and immediately threw all my notebooks on the floor and then literally rolled around in them to ‘immerse myself’ – a technique I learned from Peter Hook.
Then I logged onto the internet and posted a Gumtree ad looking for helpers – something I learned from Leslie Grantham.

I’ve already had a load of great replies, and I’m looking to put something together over the weekend. Well, I say that, but I’ve definitely got to take the kids this weekend, so I’ll swap demos/lyrics over my Polycom SoundStation 2. Would be amazing if I could get the kids involved!

Spending the rest of the day now writing replies to all my potential bandmates. Gonna make it absolutely clear that sex, drugs and rock and roll are almost absolutely a possible must!

I usually avoid weddings. There’s something about them that just doesn’t sit well with me. That something is, of course, my own failed marriage. Since I split from Theresa I’ve not really felt like going to any nuptials at all – I can’t even bunch my socks! Haha

This wedding was different though, and I felt oddly nostalgic there. So much has happened since I got married: the kids, the job, 9/11, it really puts things into perspective. It also made me think about something I haven’t thought about in a long while… the band.

In 1988 me and some guys from school got together and tried really hard to be in a band. We had a few gigs, a few tunes (“Love on an Aeroplane” being the crowd-pleaser!), and we were going somewhere when Charlie (Jegwgs) quit and my other friend got married. Should’ve know, I guess. Anyway, I was left playing acoustic around a few open mic nights – much like some of the bands I interview today – and from there I’ve ended up producing and sound-teching for local artists.

Let me see if I can remember some lyrics:

Chorus x5

Wow, that just poured out. Maybe I should look at getting the band back together… after one more game of online bingo.

Grand Central, Manchester, Thursday July 1st

Metal isn’t usually my thing. I’m more of a Deep Purple/Shredded Wheat kinda guy. However, I found myself conducting an impromptu review, Charlie Brooker-style (ledge!) and interview, Michael Parkinson-style, with two metal bands while having a drink with my mate Charlie Jegwegs.

First up was Affliction of Faith (don’t be put off by the promo pics covered in blood – they’re fine!), a Warrington-based band. I only caught the tail end of their set last night and was initially put off by the way lead singer Lee (nice guy) had discarded lyrics in favour of growling. Even more off-putting was the guy sat by stage left drumming along on laptop bag; is this a new thing that’s passed me by, like denim shirts and green shoelaces? Anyway, the more I listened to Affliction of Faith, the more I liked them. If you’d like to judge for yourself check them out at the Warrington Music Festival on the 19th July. Should be a biggy!

A quick ciggy later and a brief thought about the lovely Georgie Thompson from Sky Sports News and I was back for Gone Til Winter. The room was really buzzing now as lots of people had come to see them. They didn’t disappoint the faithful as they blasted out track after track, surprising me with how catchy they had made their hard sound.

The lead singer Talena was a glowing haystack of loveliness, and even joined me and Charlie for a chat after the gig. Charlie, the bloody idiot, had forgotten to take out insurance on his camera (which I have told him to do SEVEN TIMES) so he isn’t carrying it with him for the time being and no pictures wereth taketh. Oh well – you win some you lose some! Anyway, you can catch Gone Til Winter at the Witchwood in Ashton on Thursday, or wait until September where they will be on with Killing Machine at Moho Live.

I interviewed both bands after their gigs so will try and get some of that stuff up next week.

Overall, a fun and unexpected night, bookended by a few Builder’s Tears (pints) with Charlie and topped by a £2.80 slice of Abdul’s finest (a kebab) and a few spins of the roulette wheel.

Well, the dust has settled on a truly awful World Cup for England. I don’t really think there are too many excuses to be levelled here – we just played badly throughout and were eventually exposed by a much better team.

Of course, the press are asking for Capello’s head on a silver platter. I don’t see why, really, he’s a world class manager and I don’t think the problem begins with him. There’s just something so spectacularly… spoiled about this current crop of players. I mean, what does it matter to the likes of Lampard and Ashley Cole is England lose? We need some hungry young men in that team.

It wasn’t any easier watching it in the pub, either. It was full of men in trilbies and their girlfriends. Why would you go to the pub to watch the football if you are a) wearing a hat? or b) a girlfriend with no interest in football? Don’t even know they’re born.

Well the good news is that I did manage some luck playing at the online casino when I got in. I felt bad, like the luck of the entire nation had been used up on me, while the rest of England suffered. Still, £80 is nothing to get all philosophical about!

This week will be spent tying up some loose ends at the studio. Mainly sampling and adding a couple of vocal tracks, but every time I sit down at the computer for a long period of time and get some work done I learn something new about the software I’m using. Didn’t think I’d still be learning past 40!

Now I’ve got the weekend to plan. God knows what I’m going to do – watch Brazil work some Samba magic on Saturday I guess!

I was lucky enough to spend this weekend with my kids. Sally, 16, thinks she’s a bit of a wild child these days, but what she doesn’t realise is that her old man has seen it all before! Eric (7), has a flair for reading and is already proving to be quite the conversationalist. Unfortunately for me, this means I have to try and be both civil and cool when I get to see them both!

Taking them around Chorlton was an eye-opening experience. Whenever I turned my back on the kids to have a flick through Uncut in a newsagent I’d turn back only to find Sally talking to see boys with nose piercings (idiots) or Eric attempting hold a conversation with the local drunk. My kids, eh? Mad! I don’t know how Theresa does it (with help from her new fella I suppose!)

At home things were much calmer. As soon as the kids came in they insisted on going straight to their rooms which was great as it gave me loads of time to myself. Going down to the studio I half-expect Eric to have changed the password to my VPN but I think the security on those things is a little more than he can handle right now. Perhaps when he’s ten!

I had a couple of cans when I heard a knock at the door. It was a lad I’d seen in the newsagents earlier talking to Sally! He looked nervous until I said “I know what you’re here for, mate” (can still speak the language!) and then we spent ages downstairs in the studio with me playing him some vintage northern soul and him texting his mates – presumably to tell them he’d met the coolest man in his forties in town! Guess that’s what happens when you read Uncut!

Apparently Sally’s busy for the next few Saturdays now, but I’ll be taking Eric to the footy as soon as the new season starts up again. The countdown starts here!

Came across this interesting video about Manchester losing its musical heritage due to the property boom of the last twenty years or so. Factory Records never felt so long ago.

RIP Tony.

Click here to watch