Living in Chorlton I’m obviously going to be surrounded by yuppie crud. I know I shouldn’t complain as I did choose to live here, but sometimes it just gets a bit ridiculous. At the moment my biggest annoyance is delis, how many delis do you need in one town? There must be about five within a one mile radius.

Not only are the people who shop in delis the type of people who should be forced to die a slow painful death, but it’s the products on offer that really wind me up. There are 4 condiments I recognise salt, vinegar, pepper and ketchup. That’s all there ever was until all these deli’s turned up, and all there ever needs to be.

Pink raspberry champagne vinegar – what on earth is that supposed to even go with? Pink raspberry fish and chips? ‘Handpicked loganberry sparkling fruit preserve with dashes of rose water’ How do you make a jam pretentious? That’s how! I don’t believe that anything can be better than standard strawberry. As for ‘rough cut marmalade’ what ever happened to ‘smooth’ or ‘with bits’?

Everything’s always marked with ‘superfood’ or ‘extra-superfood’ too. What does that even mean? A clever marketing technique I think so. How is dried spinach with a hint of nutmeg anymore ‘super’ than the spinach in a tin from Tescos? I simply laugh at those idiots who pay a premium for ‘posh produce’ we’re in Manchester for goodness sake – a good pie and chips, that’s what they need!